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| working against myself |
| 05.24.04 (2:34 pm) [edit] |
I realized (remembered) today that the two halves of my life are working against each other.
This is not a new insight. I just seem to lose sight of it whenever I see it anew.
As a teacher and coach I feel pressured by 100,000 different things. I push myself, my students and my team(s) toward the various finish lines that demarcate the year. This push gives me purpose, allows me to focus on definite targets, and leaves me exhausted but with something, always, to celebrate.
The problem is that all of this is a distraction. I have studied enough, experienced enough, meditated enough to know that meaning lies within as well as without. There is a "zone", if you will, where I can feel [understand] [i]everything[/i]... where everything falls into place, and the world and the universe and everything simply... IS one. But to find it I must let go all these external forces and become still.
I suppose I'm just afraid to give up all the distractions, because then I might just find out who I truly am.
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| Do I believe in Jesus? |
| 05.08.04 (3:10 pm) [edit] |
I have heard and seen this question hundreds of times, and even after years of thought I cannot answer as clearly as I would like to answer.
On one hand, the answer is an unqualified YES that arises from my upbringing, my education and my personal experience. Some of my earliest memories from childhood include Sunday school, and I have attended various churches throughout my life. Although the early memories are largely unpleasant (boredom, unkind teachers and discomfort), exposure to Jesus early and often left its mark. And, of course, one cannot escape the influence of Christianity in an American education. Almost every "Great Book" and most of Western History bear traces of Christianity. Beyond the basic influence of liberal arts, however, I have made a point of reading, researching and reflecting upon religions in general and Christianity in particular. All of these influnces push me to confess that I do believe in Jesus.
On the other hand, I have trouble telling others that I believe in Jesus because I fear that most do not understand what I mean. In the first place, while I believe that Jesus can indeed be seen as the Son of God and part of the Divine Trinity, I find that my understanding of Jesus' teachings is very different from most Christians' understanding of Jesus' teachings. Among the more obvious points: there are lots of people who profess to love Jesus (this is not hard) but who show no signs of loving any neighbor who looks/acts/speaks differently. In the second place, as a student of History and of religions, I cannot acknowledge that Jesus is the Only Son of the Only God. No matter how you slice it, preferring one deity to another cannot be PROVEN to be anything more than human choice. In the third place, as a devotee of the Kabbala, I find a profound understanding of Jesus which includes and also exceeds those portraits of the Son that one finds in mainstream Christianity.
Given all of these issues, I feel that to answer merely with "Yes" anyone who asks if I believe in Jesus is to oversimplify to the point of misleading. To me, every moment of every day and everyone and everything I meet is a religious, a magickal opportunity; I feel that Jesus would agree. It may be that I am wrong.
And even after all these words, I find, as usual, that my answer is still not clear.
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